How often do you read about male infertility and mental health in the same blog post? The link between fertility struggles and mental wellbeing is palpable. It’s something we talk about a lot here at Parla – and society is slowly getting comfortable with the conversation.
But, we’re willing to admit, this conversation is all often swayed towards the experience of the women involved. We have ‘Maternal Mental Health Day’, we create communities where thousands of women share their stories and support each other. The challenges are still there for us but now, finally, so is the support.
But for men, it’s a slightly different story. There aren’t many aspects of society where gender disparity has ‘male’ on the losing side, but infertility support is certainly one of them – and it’s costing men their mental health.
A personal insight
I witnessed this first hand – on a very micro level – at the start of the year. My partner and I took sperm and hormone tests, just out of curiosity. We’re a few years away from trying for a baby but wanted to understand where we were at. Mike did not get the results he was hoping for – the test implied his sperm was a little slow. 3 days later he had a consultation with a fantastic doctor who assured him there was nothing to worry about – this was just a sperm snapshot. They were having a lazy day and a healthy diet and a little less beer would soon wake them up.
Despite this positive news, I’ll never forget the way I witnessed his self-esteem and wellbeing take a tangible nosedive whilst waiting for his consultation. And that was only for 3 days. In a situation where we weren’t actively trying. I can only imagine the impact it has on men who are told they will actually struggle to father children, or for those that have had a long and rocky road on their way to becoming a parent.
Understanding the impact of infertility on mental health
In 2017, Fertility Network UK and Leeds Becket University conducted a survey of men who have experienced fertility struggles. The results of the survey not only highlighted the widespread impact fertility struggles were having on men but also revealed an interesting insight into the concerns and fears that were affecting them the most.
A huge (but maybe not surprising) 93% of the men surveyed said that their mental health had been impacted by fertility issues. The emotions they reported feeling were not too dissimilar to the ones we hear time and time again – isolation, depression, loss of self-identity, guilt. But the reasons they gave for their plunge in mental wellbeing differed slightly from their female partners. Many felt that they were sidelined by doctors and fertility specialists – and that they weren’t given the same advice and support as their partner. Others felt the overwhelming pressure to be the ‘strong one’ – in the face of adversity threatening their family and relationship. Shame and isolation – whilst familiar to many women facing fertility struggles – was taken to a whole other level amongst men that felt they could not even speak to those closest to them about what they were going through.
Toxic masculinity and mental health
Whilst we may live in modern society, we still culturally applaud men for being strong, tough and controlled. This so often leads to them internalising their battles and unable to show vulnerability – which is a situation that breeds even more isolation and negativity.
It’s true, the conversation around male mental health has moved on considerably in the last few years. We now fully understand the scale of the problem when it comes to male suicide. High profile figures in TV, sport and film have opened the floodgates (and their tear ducts) and shared their battles with mental illness publicly. Hopefully, this means the current generation of boys who will grow to become men, may understand that vulnerability and masculinity aren’t mutually exclusive. But the current set of guys hoping to become fathers are probably still trying to unlearn the archaic lessons they were taught about gender norms, and to learn that it’s ok not to be ok.
Fertility is still often seen as a taboo subject, even amongst the most emotionally open of people. So when we combine the shame of infertility with a culture of toxic masculinity, we end up in a situation where men feel unable to ask for help.
Lack of support for male infertility
Even when men overcome the cultural pressure to cope, the options for support are limited. A quick google search for ‘infertility support groups’ delivers an endless stream of options – all predominately aimed at women. Make a search for ‘male infertility support groups’ however, and you’re pretty much met with tumbleweed – and a bunch of articles about the lack of support men receive. The groups are out there – author Charlie Spruce told us about how, since his own experience with loss and fertility – he has become increasingly active on Facebook Groups that help men deal with the same things. But they are hidden in the shadows, left for men to seek out when they are likely feeling at their most helpless.
On a fertility journey, both partners need to share the emotional load of what they are going through – and to be able to be open and honest with each other about their struggles. If we truly want to change the conversation around fertility, we first need to recognise the strong link between male infertility and mental health and create safe space and support network for all genders.
