They say that comparison is the thief of joy – and this can be especially true when you’re on a fertility journey. The impact that constantly comparing yourself to others can have on your mental health is huge – and looking after your mental wellness is crucial when you’re trying to conceive.
Whilst comparison is totally understandable during this time, there are things you can do to limit its effects and protect your mental and emotional wellbeing. Here are our top tips on managing comparison and making sure it doesn’t steal your joy en route to parenthood.
Comparison Tip Numer 1: Be honest about your feelings
Every fertility journey is unique, but a common thread we hear from our community is that comparison impacts their relationship with their friends. A pregnancy announcement when you are trying to conceive can cause an all too familiar pang of envy. If you have experienced baby loss or are going through invasive fertility treatment, it can be totally heart wrenching.
As with most things connected to mental health, internalising those feelings is only going to make you feel ten times worse. When comparison comes to town, it usually has its good friends ‘shame’ and ‘guilt’ in tow. It can be embarrassing to admit that you are jealous of somebody or feel incapable of being happy for them when they share good news.
When these feelings come up, it’s important to be honest to those closest to you. Not only will it alleviate some of the internal pressure, but you’ll be able to manage situations that trigger your comparison in a way that maintains healthy relationships. If you don’t feel up to going to a friend’s baby shower or aren’t enthusiastic when they show you a scan, let them know why. Vocalising your emotions may seem difficult at first, but it will most likely lead to you feeling more understood and supported.
Comparison Tip Numer 2: Practice gratitude
The very nature of comparison is that we zone in on our perceived ‘lack’ of things and compare that to what others have. Of course, the most obvious example of this is a baby – but we can also feel inadequate in many other ways. Maybe it’s comparing yourself to someone who doesn’t have PCOS or endometriosis. Or being jealous of somebody that has the financial means to freeze their eggs or have another round of IVF.
The key to combating comparison is to focus less on others and more on yourself. This can be easier said than done, but actively practising gratitude can remind you of all the good things in your own life. There are many ways to practise gratitude – it can be a few positive affirmations at the start or the end of the day or a mindful walk that reminds you of all the beauty in the world.
At Parla, we are huge fans of journaling. Taking a few minutes to write down things that made you smile each day, or things you achieved (no matter how small) can have a transformative impact on your outlook – and show comparison the door. Maybe it’s your health, your friends or a beautiful dinner your partner cooked. It could even be something as simple as managing to make time for some exercise. The very nature of gratitude journaling also grounds you. It’s a mindful activity that brings you back to your positive present, rather than focusing on a future that is currently out of your control.
Comparison Tip Numer 3: Use social media mindfully
Social media can be a fantastic tool for support, encouragement and inspiration. However, it can also be a huge comparison trap.
The online TTC community is growing all the time and we love that it helps people feel less alone. The great thing about the internet is that even if you feel like your IRL support network doesn’t fully understand what you’re going through, you can connect with women all over the world who share and empathise with your struggle.
However, being bombarded with thousands of snapshots of stranger’s lives each day can be overwhelming. It’s not something our brains are set up for and it can be a breeding ground for comparison. In a digital world, we’re not only comparing ourselves to those close to us, but to people we have never even met. It’s important to assess when your social feeds are making you feel more negative emotions than positive ones. Some days you might feel uplifted by an IVF success story and others it can make you feel rubbish – and that’s ok! Recognising those emotions when they come up can help nip comparison in the bud.
When that happens – take a break from social media – and your phone – until you’re feeling better. You can also use the ‘mute’ function to limit the exposure you’re getting to a certain person’s content (without having to have any embarrassing conversations about unfollowing them). Just like real-life situations, you don’t need to stick around if they aren’t serving you. Prioritise your mental health and step away from the scrolling when you need to.
Comparison Tip Numer 4: Remember the bigger picture
Comparison thrives on a lack of perspective. When the weight of a fertility journey is taking its toll, it can be very easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. If you find yourself in a comparison cycle it feels like the whole world is smiling and succeeding – apart from you. But that is certainly not the case.
We all too often compare ourselves to the highlight reel of someone’s life – especially when it comes to social media. But behind their joy is often a story that we may not know about. A pregnancy announcement could have come after numerous miscarriages, a successful round of IVF might have been paid for after years of financial hardship.
Whilst understanding someone else’s potential struggle won’t take away your pain, it is a reminder that everyone is fighting a battle. This doesn’t belittle your experience or make your feelings any less valid, but gaining wider perspective can help you swap comparison for compassion, a healthier emotion that will help nurture your relationships and break the cycle of negative feelings.
At Parla, we are passionate about changing the conversation around fertility and creating an expert-led community of likeminded people who understand the complex emotions that come with trying to conceive.
