TW: In this blog post, we discuss themes and details of sexual abuse that some may find difficult to read. This article includes advice for survivors of sexual trauma, but be aware some content may be triggering.
This week is Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week. A time to focus on breaking the silence around these topics and giving victims and survivors support. For women who have experienced sexual abuse at any point in their lives, the journey to motherhood can have some triggering moments that impact their mental health.
It’s important to remember that sexual abuse does not have to define you – it is more than possible to have a happy, healthy pregnancy and be a fantastic parent after surviving this trauma. However, there may be elements of conceiving, pregnancy and childbirth that you find tough. If that’s the case, you’re not alone and there is support out there.
Control and disconnection
When you speak to people who have been through abuse – of any kind, but particularly sexual – a loss of control is one of the most common things they talk about. To have lost autonomy over your own body – or to never truly feel you had any, if abused from a young age – can have a long-lasting effect. Many survivors counteract these feelings by making sure they can stay in control of other areas of their life. But when it comes to fertility and pregnancy that control over your body is not always easy to maintain.
As the loss of control is triggering, it can also lead to physical dissociation – where you don’t feel connected to your own body during pregnancy, and in some cases, struggle to connect with the baby you’re carrying. Journalist Brittini describes this situation in a powerful essay she wrote about her experience of pregnancy and childbirth after surviving sexual trauma.
“It was difficult for me to know if anything was wrong, because I wasn’t able to know what was happening to my body.It made answering questions from my provider nearly impossible, because when she would ask if I was having pain in a particular place, I just didn’t know. ” she writes. “It was also upsetting for me because I so desperately wanted the baby I was carrying, but I felt like a terrible parent for not feeling like I was connecting to it.”
Trust and safety
Every stage of a fertility journey involves putting our trust in others – and often in the most intimate way possible. We have to trust medical experts to give us the best advice if we are struggling or scared. We allow people, we often just met, to touch and look at our vaginas and cervix. The whole process is like one big trust exercise, and it’s so important we feel safe.
If you have been through sexual trauma not only will your ability to trust and feel safe be affected, but you may also find the whole experience triggering. As Tommy’s midwife Kate says “Pregnancy and giving birth is very personal and intimate experience for anyone, however for a woman who has experienced sexual violence this can be a prime time for triggering flashbacks, reliving the trauma and opens up a possibility of being in an environment which is potentially unpredictable and increases feelings of vulnerability.”
Research has recognised the various ways in which sexual abuse can have a direct affect on our experiencing of bring a child in to the world – and it’s important that medical proffesionals keep this in mind and adjust their care accordingly.
In 2016, the BBC interviewed survivors of rape about their experience of childbirth – and the accounts were heartbreaking and eye opening. One woman was told by the man that raped her to ‘relax and it will be over quicker’. She was then told the same thing during a gynecological exam. Her well meaning health care provider and unknowingly echoed the words of her attacker.
Support is out there
In the past, survivors of abuse may have felt isolated and alone if struggling with their nuanced experience of conception, pregnancy and childbirth. But the truth is, these situations and emotions are sadly more common than we realise and there are communities and services out there who understand and are ready to help.
Specialist Clinics
In 2016, one of the first maternity wards specifically aimed at caring for survivors of sexual abuse, opened in London. The clinic was created in partnership with My Body Back, a project set up by Pavan Amara. Pavan herself was raped as a young woman and has dedicated her career to ensuring survivors can access gynecological care – from smear tests to post-labour exams – in a safe and supportive space.
Integrated into the Royal London Hospital and Co-run by Barts Health NHS Trust, It provides extra antenatal support with specially-trained midwives, psychologists and paediatricians. The clinic also provides antenatal classes, breastfeeding advice and gynaecological exams which have been altered with the needs and feelings of women who have experienced sexual trauma in mind.
Whilst the clinics are currently closed due to the pandemic, you can still contact them for more information and support.
Online Support
More recently, The Survivors Trust launched an online resource to help people navigate pregnancy, birth and parenthood after childhood sexual abuse. The free digital course was created in collaboration with experts from King’s College London, women with lived experience of sexual abuse and other medical professionals. It offers advice on everything from creating a birth plan that makes you feel safe and secure, to advocating for yourself when it comes to your healthcare.
Experiencing sexual violence does not mean that you won’t be able to become an amazing parent. But if you need a little help to get there, whilst supporting your own mental wellbeing – that’s ok.
